Was it a bad idea? Was it a good idea? Who fucking knows.

About a year ago, I met up with my ex after not having seen him since we broke up years ago. It was a confusing breakup because nothing was really wrong… It was more that I was young, needed to figure my life out on my own, and we were long distance. So we met up for the first time since then, had a great time, and ended up hooking up. It was clear to me there were still some very confusing feelings there. I told him I was open to being friends with benefits, but he said it would be too hard for him emotionally. I told him to feel free to reach out to me if he did ever want to reconnect, because in the meantime I didn’t want to screw with his feelings.

Fast forward to a year later, and I get a text out of the blue asking me when I was coming into town next and that we should grab dinner. *Insert wide eyes* “Dinner,” he says… so obviously I say yes.

So we go to dinner, and we have a great time as usual. It’s like no time has gone by. We just get each other – we always have. We do the small talk “catch up” thing all during dinner, and I am 100% expecting him to invite me over to his EMPTY house after this, where the real conversation will happen. And we will most likely hook up. Is that not what he intended?! He has always been very respectful and not good at initiating a hookup, but this was clearly the setup.

I have to take responsibility for my own expectations, but I also partially blame my friends for assuring me that he was definitely going to want to hook up.

Dinner finishes, we head out, and he offers to drive me home. Hmmm. I’m thinking, is he going to make out with me in the car? WTF is going to happen? This is not what I expected (and definitely not what any of my eager friends expected either, who were clearly rooting for a reunion between us).

We drive home, and I ask him what prompted him to ask me to get together. He makes a joke that he was slightly drunk, and I can tell he is only half kidding. Also, if you’re thinking about me when you’re drunk…hellooooo! Then I ask him if he’s done with his other ex, if he’s been dating, etc. We bond over having difficulties with dating. He tells me he is very confused emotionally and doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t want a relationship but also isn’t the type of person to sleep around. Oh, another guy who doesn’t know what he wants… how interesting. But what really kills me is that this kid is such a good guy. He deserves the world.

And then he drops me off. I give him a hug, go inside, text him “thanks again for tonight!” and sit on my bed for a solid 30 minutes trying to figure out WTF happened. HOW did that not end with a hookup? I can’t believe I shaved so thoroughly and wasted cute lingerie on this.

He finally texts me an hour later, and I decide to give him a piece of my mind. Long story short, I told him I was confused with us, and he told me he was too, but that he was happy he saw me. And once again, he “doesn’t know what he wants.” Well, homie, figure it out. I realized that was the only answer I needed, even though it was a tough pill to swallow.

And then he repeatedly assured me that he was still confused, but so happy we saw each other. Umm… this isn’t helping my need for clarity.

It ended with me telling him that if he ever wants to get a girl, he needs to stop playing scared and go after what he wants. No waiting for the other person to make the move. Just FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. He drives me crazy because I feel like I have to PULL information out of him, and if he can’t be open with me, I know he is putting a wall up with other people too. Sometimes I think I am the only person who has ever called him out on his shit. I genuinely want him to be so happy, and he needs to get over his fear of rejection or “not doing the right thing” if he wants to lock in a kickass woman. I told him I am saying this all out of love, and he appreciated the advice.

I also told him that from now on, anytime we see each other I need a very clear explanation of his intentions. He needs to tell me if we are getting dinner just as friends, if we are getting together and maybe hooking up, or if we are getting together for something more. I need the honest truth so I am always in the right headspace.

He responded positively to my boundary setting and I feel good about that. He is good at taking constructive criticism.

It was a confusing night. I felt like tonight I was going to get clarity, but I didn’t. Yet, I somehow think maybe I did get clarity from the lack of clarity. Does that make sense?

He didn’t make a move, he didn’t go for it, and he doesn’t know what he wants. It sucks, but that’s all I need to know. Because I know that I need to be with someone who is sure of what they want.

Maybe this ship has sailed. Or maybe it will always be wrong timing. Maybe we will just always have a pull towards each other because you never forget your first love.

So I’m sitting here, drinking my tea, coming to terms with all of this. This trip is not what I expected at all, and I feel like I got emotional whiplash. But maybe this is what I needed to close the door, and closing the door is what will open the door for the right guy.

This is all exhausting. I’m not sure if I recommend getting dinner with your ex.

– Forever Confused